I am where I am

Phoenix, AZ

Published on April 1, 2004 By Dylarama In Misc

Never thought I'd live in Phoenix. Pictured myself someplace else; better. My girlfriend hates it here as much as I do. I just hate that I'm here; she hates that she's here, and blames herself for me being here. A place can do that, sometimes.

Where would I rather be? What would I rather be doing? What do I WANT?'

Maybe I'm having a quarter-life crisis. Sounds stupid, I know. Most everything I hear or say sounds stupid, though. If I moved away to Chicago, or San Francisco...wouldn't I be the same person in a different place? Remember 'Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai'? Wherever you go...there you are. They've got whole eastern religions for that kind of thought. Never one to be religious.

What do I want? No idea. But I know what I don't want, and that's a hell of a start. I got a buddy who has been in college for seven years, no degree yet. What does he want? I'm better off than him, I guess. I got another buddy who has a great job, in a great city, but he still isn't happy. What does he want? I'm better off than him, too, I guess. I don't know.

We used to talk about 'getting the hell out' of the little town where I grew up. Midwestern. Everyone talked like that. Me? Sure. Of the 23 in my grraduating class, I think almost all moved away. Some probably amount to something. Me? No. Not yet.

I've got a friend who told me one year ago she wanted to 'Be an expert at something.' That was her goal. Now, she's a year into her graduate studies. Works like a dog. She's not as likeable as she used to be, but she's damned amazing. Hurts me every day because she's amounting to something. Improving herself. I'm not. So she's beginning to be disgusted by me. I'm disgusted, too. I don't want to be doing nothing, in Phoenix. Want to be doing something glorious, somewhere else. Isn't that the way it always goes? I think so.

I got rejected from a good school today. My first thought was to tell my girlfriend, because I feel bad and misery loves company. then I thought I shouldn't bother her. Now I'm afraid to tell her, because I'm embarrassed. The other night she looked sad, and said: 'When will you get a break?' I don' t know. Not soon enough.

I wonder why I'm here in Phoenix? I know I moved out here because I'm in love. But why am I still here? Why haven't I left? What makes me stay where I'm miserable half the time?

What do I want?

Comments

Everett Lee

on Apr 02, 2004

I wouldn't be so sure you are better off than your buddy who has blown so many opportunities in school. He has grown in many ways and finally, after a long a terrible battle with himself, is starting to experience happiness. It's not in the appearances. He may find things in his that life that could depress him, but he's learning how to make himself happy and to enjoy life instead of getting down about it all the time. Its not because 'things' got better, he got better.

Poetmom99

on Apr 02, 2004

"Never thought I'd live in Phoenix. Pictured myself someplace else; better. My girlfriend hates it here as much as I do. I just hate that I'm here; she hates that she's here, and blames herself for me being here. A place can do that, sometimes."

Wanna trade spots? My husband and I would love to be in Phoenix, but instead here we are in Ohio....of course, two teen/preteen girls (one 11, one 14) come as part of the trade, as they don't want to leave friends and schools....

dharmagrl

on Apr 02, 2004

Where would someplace better be? And what would make it better than where you're at?

JeremyG

on Apr 02, 2004

How bout you just slit your wrists and get it over with?

It's time to get over your feelings of inadequacy and accept the fact that no one is ever happy with themselves. Amounting to something doesn't mean making money. Thats why you and your girlfriend are so depressed, because you put so much value on what you believe the expectations of life are. As you said yourself your friend who is "making something of herself" is much less likable.

Believe me, you know what you're doing more than she does. She's the same sized fish in a bigger pond.

new-age nomad

on Apr 02, 2004

Read this article, I think you'll enjoy it. Click Here

Trinitie

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